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[14 Mar 2006|05:53pm] |
I never really update my journal, but I've been listening to the Mary J. Blige song lately and I realize how much it relates to me and my relationship. I think you would understand my whole story if you remember my journals 2 summers ago, in 2004, when i first met him. Things have changed since then, BIG changes...
Be Without You
I wanna be with you, gotta be with you, need to be with you
(Oh, oh, oh, oh)
I wanna be with you, gotta be with you, need to be with you
(Oh, oh, oh, oh)
Oooo (oh, oh, oh, oh) oooo
Chemistry was crazy from the get-go
Neither one of us knew why
We didn't build nothing overnight
Cuz a love like this takes some time
People swore it off as a phase
Said we can't see that
Now from top to bottom
They see that we did that (yes)
It's so true that (yes)
We've been through it (yes)
We got real sh** (yes)
See baby we been...
Too strong for too long (and I can't be without you baby)
And I'll be waiting up until you get home (cuz I can't sleep without you baby)
Anybody who's ever loved, ya know just what I feel
Too hard to fake it, nothing can replace it
Call the radio if you just can't be without your baby
I got a question for ya
See I already know the answer
But still I wanna ask you
Would you lie? (no)
Make me cry? (no)
Do somethin' behind my back and then try to cover it up?
Well, neither would I, baby
My love is only your love (yes)
I'll be faithful (yes)
I'm for real (yes)
And with us you'll always know the deal
We've been...
Too strong for too long (and I can't be without you baby)
And I'll be waiting up until you get home (cuz I can't sleep without you baby)
Anybody who's ever loved, ya know just what I feel
Too hard to fake it, nothing can replace it
Call the radio if you just can't be without your baby
See this is real talk
I'm always stay (no matter what)
Good or bad (thick and thin)
Right or wrong (all day everyday)
Now if you're down on love or don't believe
This ain't for you (no, this ain't for you)
And if you got it deep in your heart
And deep down you know that it's true (come on, come on, come on)
Well, let me see you put your hands up (hands up)
Fellas tell your lady she's the one (fellas tell your lady she's the one, oh)
Put your hands up (hands up)
Ladies let him know he's got your love
Look him right in his eyes and tell him
We've been...
Too strong for too long (and I can't be without you baby)
And I'll be waiting up until you get home (cuz I can't sleep without you baby)
Anybody who's ever loved, ya know just what I feel
Too hard to fake it, nothing can replace it
Call the radio if you just can't be without your baby
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[08 Nov 2005|10:05am] |
holy crap i'm writing an entry...
only because i'm at the computer lab and i finished researching for two essays i have to write next week, cuz other than that i have NO time. today is gonna be super busy, i will prob be getting home around 9:30pm wtf! i wish i had my free tuesdays where i only had class 12-1 then chilled the whole day. now i have work 8:30-11, then 3-9..ahhhh
2 more days til i see him..
sooo excited!!!
:)
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[29 Aug 2005|04:15pm] |
August 23rd, 2005..
its finally been ONE year and i can say it's been that long and not feel crazy for being crazy in love with him..
..life for me has finally started.
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| wow i haven't written here in a while! |
[27 Jun 2005|12:40pm] |
So its June 27th, a week after i've come back from peterborough, and i'm not working today..been feeling sick the past few days, even when dan was here, which sucked! but it was nice cuz he took care of me the whole week, more like pampered me lol (like walking across the street in the scorching heat to buy our dinner or running inside best buy from the parking lot to buy me the mariah carey cd after changing my mind and deciding that i want it lol)..
peterborough is ghetto, that's all i have to say..lol sucky road trip, but i made 700 bucks so its all cool..
its already been ten months..good goshies..lol its going by pretty fast, before i know it, it'll be our one year..hmm..which reminds me, i gotta call my aunt to ask to book that week in august for sherkston..it will be greeeat if i can get that date in..last final vacation before 3rd year of school..
there's way too many things happening this summer and i too little time for it to all happen..aggghhh!!
next entry: probably September lol
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[03 May 2005|02:14pm] |
so this morning was really tough, having to say goodbye to him..i know i'm gonna see him friday again, but its just so tough especially since its like 5am and we're both really tired and groggy getting ready for work!! and he's always telling me how its just the situation for the time being, that one day, we will get to see each other a lot more..hmm.so i asked him if he wants to go to a blue jays game next tuesday, he said yes!! he asked his brother too, so i figured i'd ask my sis..2 bucks on tuesday, that's a pretty cool deal, it'll be nice to spend time with all of them.
oh man, can't wait til the end of may..its gonna be SOOO good..it'll feel like heaven, i can imagine it already.
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| finally done year 2 |
[26 Apr 2005|02:00pm] |
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Joyride - Mariah Carey |
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Wooooo!!i'm finally done my second year of ACS.It has been a long, tough, stressful, but FUN year, simply cuz i've worked my ass off MOST of the year, and it has paid off with the marks i've gotten, and i'm really proud of that.And alot of it has to do with Dan, he's been the one to always motivate me and push me to do my best, he's my inspiration in everything i do, literally, lol. It's because of him that i'm eating healthier, i'm working out more, i'm actually budgeting my money rather than wasting it on stupidness, doing better in school, and just living life better in general. I know we don't see each other as much as we want to, but the couple of days we spend together is when i'm the most happiest. It's always so hard to say goodbye when he has to leave, it's been so bad sometimes that i'd cry just cuz he was leaving, and he'd just hold me in his arms and say "don't think of it as us leaving each other, just think of it as us saying good bye until next time.." That makes me feel better, and i'm so glad that his family is on thelong distance plan where its free after 8pm. I call that a blessing, cuz we don't even see each other so much, and so all of a sudden for us to be able to talk on the PHONE for free is amazing, lol we talk every night, even tho its not for long, just to hear each other's voices. I feel bad that most of our conversations on the phone end up in silly arguments, lol and i know it annoys him, but we both know that its where we clash in our relationship, our communication styles on the phone TOTALLY suck. But at the end of the day, that doesn't matter, and he tells me that he loves me EVEN tho i start the silly petty arguments. I can't believe he has that much patience!! it's retarded..lol. I'm gonna have so much fun this summer with him, and i know that when there's a downside to ur relationship its always balanced with an upside, and i know that the places we're going to and the times we're gonna spend with each other will be so awesome, my heart flutters when i even picture how much fun it'll be to do all the things we are gonna do this summer. We even plan to go to Wonderland this summer with his brother Paul and his girlfriend Maretta..she's so adorable, its really cute how she adores me, and as soon as she found out i asked Dan to tell them, she freaked. So that'll be awesome.
Talking about him makes me miss him even more, lol, and i wish i could see him every day, but i'm glad that we do the things we do, cuz we have the most amazing adventures together lol his car has gone near and far, i can't believe its still working :P
It was just our eight months on Saturday, and it really surprised me, cuz it seems like its been so much longer. And its even weirder how eight months ago i was so iffy about being in this relationship. Even thinking about what i wrote in LJ last summer while we were still talking, i was so lost! lol I was confused, and i didn't even seem like i wanted to be in it. The truth is, i was scared, because it was so unexpected, him coming into my life and all. And i guess that's how it goes in life, the best things that come into it always come when you least expect it, right?
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[22 Feb 2005|09:08pm] |
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3 Doors Down - Here By You |
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reading week, yay!!!!
now i have time to sit and not feel guilty about updating this thing..so bored right now..right now the one thing i need is a JOB..can anyone hook me up??! lol i NEED $$ flowing in desparately :(
oh yes..six months in a few hours, omg! its not very long, but its long for me lol :) well it is my first relationship anyway..so life is treating me good, must go back to my roots and feel thankful for everything, cuz i tend to take certain things or certain people for granted..
watching russell peters today..he said if you mixed someone from holland and someone from the philippines you get "hollapinos" (pronounced holla-penios just like jalapenos) HA. great stuff ;)
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[19 Jan 2005|10:08pm] |
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stylistics - could it be i'm falling in love |
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i love him..i seriously, seriously do..
i never thought i could have someone so special in my life..its like..he's in my dreams, he's in my heart, he's in my wishes and hopes, and the best thing is, he's in MY reality..and i love that..
ahhhh could it be i'm falling in love?? :P
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[13 Nov 2004|07:01pm] |
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Only You - Ashanti |
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i'm so sick right now, i lost my voice.. :( i feel bad, cuz he came over yesterday to visit me..he even gave me roses, awww :( since he knew i was sick and we hadn't seen each other for 2 weeks..we both knew that there was a chance he'd get sick..today he's got a sore throat..ahhh i felt so bad, and he just was like "i don't care, it was totally worth it.."
he's so great..we watched next friday and day after tomorrow..then after just looked at flyers and talked in my room..lol we had a heart to heart talk, which is very rare for him.. so i'm lucky i was able to get a lot of things out of him last night..haha
i'm so lucky to have a guy like him..i hate how i take that for granted at times..but lately, especially with not seeing each other for 2 weeks, i've learned to truly appreciate him and our relationship..which is good..so things are going really well for us now..
i was lying in bed and i was watching him look at a flyer, and he looked up at me and smiled..it shocked me right then and there how much he looked like Prince Harry at that moment..lol in my head i was like "wooooaah", i tried blinking my eyes to see if itd go away but he just really DID look like Prince Harry, hahah so i guess i've realized that if you look at him from a certain angle and his head is on a certain slant, he looks EXACTLY like Prince Harry..
lol
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| here it goes |
[31 Oct 2004|04:31pm] |
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Wow i can't believe i'm updating this thing, usually when i see the blank entry space i end up getting lazy and close the window. But today i feel inspired. And happy. It's a different kind of happy, tho, the kind of happiness i've never felt before, just because of all the heartaches and rejection my love life gave to me. Until he came. I was in denial that he could truly be someone worth being with before, its obvious from all the s**t i put on LJ a couple of months ago. Man i should delete that..lol. :( but i only did it cuz i was guarded. I did it cuz i didn't want to get hurt, or put myself in a position where i'd be hurt, because God knows how many times i've been hurt in the past. But today, i've realized one thing. All the "hell" i went through before happened for a reason, so i could truly appreciate and cherish what i have now. I can't believe i have him. I'm just so blown away every time i'm with him. And at times, i will admit, it scares me, because i know all this can just diminish in the blink of an eye, and i'll end up back at square one, feeling more pain than i came to begin with. But he reassures me. He doesn't necessarily do it with words. And it bugged me a bit that he wasn't the type to do that. I felt sad, cuz the majority of the time we'd spend talking was on msn, the other 6 days of the week we're not together, and it would hurt that he couldn't express the way he felt. And i told him that. He said he wasn't the type to say how he felt with words. I knew that though. I was just stubborn, and i kept bringing him down. But deep inside i knew that every time we were together, no words could amount to the affection he showed me in person. I mean, i can say "i adore who you are, and how you treat me", but when we're together and he can't let go of me cuz he just wants to keep holding me, and when we're sitting on the couch talking and he kisses my forehead every time i say something "cute", man that totally beats it. I love spending time with him. Sometimes so much that it hurts to see him in the beginning, knowing i'm going to have to say goodbye in the end. And it sucks how we only see each other once a week. And how after yesterday we won't be seeing each other in another two weeks. Oh how i'm gonna miss him. He makes me feel so comfortable. I can be myself when i'm with him. I can be like a little kid, i can act SO random, and i love making him laugh. Sometimes when we're in the car, and we're both laughing, and i just glance at him while he's laughing, my eyes get locked looking at him, in amazement of how hot he looks when he laughs. And how he smiles. He's hot when he's driving his car, his left hand holding the steering wheel and his right hand gripping the stick. He looks like a race car driver. HAHA. Sometimes he drives like one, which kinda scared me, so now he drives slower cuz he doesn't want to scare me. awww. He's hot when he plays hockey. He's a good hockey player, the last game i watched of his, he had one goal and one assist, bringing the team to another win. They're undefeated, did ya know?. *sigh*. LOL. I met his family. I fell in love with them. They're so humble and kind, religious, and outgoing too. I feel so comfortable when i'm with them, and normally its hard for me to feel comfortable in someone's house especially if i've just met the family, and they're a hundred and one kilometres away. I still get butterflies every time i'm about to see him, or when i know he's about to call. But the moment we're together, all my stress goes away, and i feel like its only me and him in this world. I hope these feelings never go away.
Yikes! i didn't even know this entry was getting a bit too long..lol. Props to you guys who've read this far, thanx for even taking the time to read what i've written up above, even tho it might not mean anything to anyone other than ME. or HIM. If he ever gets the chance to read this.*sigh* i just wish he knew how much he means to me.
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[28 Oct 2004|11:59pm] |
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Bye, bye, baby
Don't be long
I worry about you
While you're gone
Bye, bye, baby
Don't be long
I worry about you
While you're gone
I think of you in my dreams
You never know, just what you mean, to me
To me
Boo ba bada boo be boo ba baada
Boo ba bada boo be ba da baada
Boo ba bada boo be boo ba baada
Boo ba bada boo be ba da baada
Bye, bye, baby
Don't be long
I worry about you
While you're gone
Bye, bye, baby
Don't be long
I worry about you
While you're gone
I think of you night and day
I never know just what you meant, to say
To say
Boo ba bada boo be boo ba baada
Boo ba bada boo be ba da baada
Boo ba bada boo be boo ba baada
Boo ba bada boo be ba da baada
Boo ba bada boo be boo ba baada
Boo ba bada boo be ba da baada
Boo ba bada boo be boo ba baada
Boo ba bada boo be ba da baada
Boo ba bada boo be boo ba baada
Boo ba bada boo be ba da baada
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| in lala land |
[17 Sep 2004|08:07pm] |
every minute we spend together
it keeps getting better and better
the number of butterflies increase
when i know he's about to call
or when his name pops up online
he knows just what to do to make me smile
he knows just what to do to make me laugh
he believes that i can do ANYTHING and will do everything to my best potential in this world.
this is why i have a smile on my face right now.
he is the reason i feel content when i go to bed, and he is the reason i wake up every morning strong and ready to face the rest of the day.
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[07 Sep 2004|05:54pm] |
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haven't updated for so long, i've been out and about, here and there doing last minute things before the summer ended..well it actually ended now, jus cuz today was the first day back at school. i was excited to see university friends, i freaked when i saw them, but i was more concerned about updating my student i.d., seeing if i could take back my marketing book (by the way i checked and it was sold :( SOOO upset..now i have to photocopy it from someone else, grrr!!!) and handing in all the osap papers. MAAAN so poor, and i have no money for books, food, and bus tickets, all until my osap money arrives..and even then, i gotta pay my treadmill and phone bill, grrrr!!! i need money
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[25 Aug 2004|09:12pm] |
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haven't updated this thing for a while..i guess when you're so busy and content with your life, you really have no reason to write about anything here..i can actually say that everything in my life right now is balanced..its all out in the open, everything about me physical, spiritual and mental has now been exposed inside out, and i have no secrets to hide. i've learned from my mistakes, i've got my motivation to be healthy and happy, and i've got a great support system. so now, there's nowhere for me to go except up, and i'm soo excited :)
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[17 Aug 2004|11:05pm] |
thank you for saying hi despite all i've done to you
thank you for still hanging on to me after the many times i've rejected you
thank you for being patient with a slow girl like me
thank you for being my support system and motivation for bettering myself physically, it really does help :) haha
..because i know that deep inside, i'm still confused, and i don't want to rush into things, but i'm still grateful for the fact that you are willing to wait for me.
and i'm sorry for all the troubles and pain i've caused already, and it has only been one month. funny how it's that short, things just go by so quick, don't they.
thank you for realizing that we gotta take this slow, for me to catch on.
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[17 Aug 2004|06:09pm] |
okay, so last time i was on here i was ranting on about how much of an idiot i am.
and he's forgiven me.
so now we're okay.
?? why i'm giving him a chance again, i still do not know.
but i'm willing to take the risk and find out.
...why i'm still thinking about that *other* guy now and then beats me...but oh well we'll see wut happens. i'll try this dude out first.
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[11 Aug 2004|11:36pm] |
i feel like SHIT.
i'm such a horrible person.
and he knows it now too.
it can't work anymore, the damage is done.
i just feel so SORRY, i've taken him for granted.
and i'm SORRY.
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[09 Aug 2004|10:26pm] |
i know he's hurting..
and i'm hurting too, knowing that i've hurt him..
but it was something i had to do..if i continued it, we BOTH would have hurted a LOT more.
i'm just so sorry i had to end it.
i'm sorry.
i just wish i could have what i've wanted for the longest time..but i guess i'll have to wait for that time to come.
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[08 Aug 2004|11:27pm] |
wut a rollercoaster of feelings..one minute i don't like him, the next minute i do...
i feel bad..i'm really a schizo full of emotions..
right now i'm at the "on" moment. meaning i like him.
this is some crazy s**t
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[08 Aug 2004|10:16pm] |
i feel so guilty, man..this guy loves me off, i can tell..but i'm not reciprocating the feelings, words, actions he gives me..i don't know if it's because i'm starting to not feel the same way as him, or if its because i don't want to be in a relationship right now...being at the festival this weekend made me realize that i love being single, and i love NOT being attached, and i LOVE knowing that i can flirt with someone and not feel guilty afterwards..but i DO feel guilty..and i don't know wut to do..because these kinds of opportunities don't come to me often, but i just have this feeling that i'm gonna SETTLE if i stay with him..
cuz u know how ur supposed to get butterflies and stuff when u see that person? i don't..and u know how ur supposed to look forward to the times u spend together, and just LOOKING at that person's face is supposed to make u smile and feel all giggly? i don't..AND in general, usually when you like someone, you LIKE them 24/7, u can't stop thinking about them, and u can't WAIT to see them? well for me, i DON'T like him 24/7, and now most of the time i do think about him, but i think about how much i wouldn't WANT to be with him, AND i don't even know if i want to see him anymore..
i'm wondering if this is all happening because my true feelings are starting to come out, not just my shallow side, or i'm wondering if its because of that oh so wonderful guy that everyone loves, and i do too because he's PERFECT, and i KNOW the type of feeling i'd get if we EVER had the chance to go out..but that will NEVER happen, i know that for a fact. so i'm wondering if i should just settle for THIS guy..
but i should NEVER settle..cuz once u start even considering that ur just with him cuz ur "settling", u know its doomed for failure..for his life, for UR life, and i don't want that.because i want to be happy.
i want to have that feeling where i can wake up in the morning, and smile, knowing that he's thinking of me, and knowing that he loves me as much, if not even more than i love him. i want to have that feeling where i can't wait to see him, and when i do see him i get butterflies in my stomach and i fall in love with him EVERYTIME..but its just not that way right now, and i don't think right now is the time where i can find that.
because i don't think i like him, and most of the time now i'm wondering how i can get out of it..because it seems like he LOVES me already, even though we don't know each other that well..
i don't want to hurt him, but i don't want to continue this.
i'm such a horrible person, i wish he never saw my picture.
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